Friday, July 18, 2008

“Ye are a chosen generation, a royal priesthood, an holy nation, a peculiar people. . . "- The Apostle Peter

OK so since about 99.9% percent of the readers of this blog are LDS I have decided to make this next list in hopes you will all appreciate it and understand where I'm coming from!

We Mormons are pretty weird, from the outside looking in, people who don't know anything about us would think we are all slightly crazy what with things like three hour church, staying chaste until marriage, and "magical" underwear!

Well in Deut. 26: 18 it states "(The) Lord hath avouched thee to be his peculiar people." We're supposed to stand out and not let the world change us, and as everyone else becomes increasingly more OK with sin and what not, we are supposed to stand firm, on the principles we've built our church on, and that makes us look more and more funny looking in the sights of the non-members around us.

OK enough serious talk, it seems to me that every once in a while people come a long that make us look even more Peculiar then we already are. . . . but bless their hearts for really using their agency to it's full advantage! without further adieu I Now present to you. . . . .

Emily's Top 10 Mormons (Or Former Mormons) who take the "Peculiar" label a little too far!

1.Chad Hardy-

This guy is who inspired me to write this blog to begin with, Monday I checked the MSN homepage like I usually do when I'm bored, and up popped this "Mormon Excommunicated for Shirtless Calendar" so naturally I double clicked to find out more about that gem of a headline!

Turns out Bro. Hardy here made a calendar this year called "Men on a Mission" which features Returned Missionaries poising like Chip n Dale models in the standard missionary black pants with what looks to me like their G's sticking out and no shirt. The funny part is they also have shots of them fully clothed complete with white shirt and Tye, name tag and bike and a testimonial of them sharing their feelings about church and stuff!

What a relief! all those years controlling my thoughts and trying hard not to think about how hunky that new Missionary that came into the ward was! Now that I know it's OK to lust, Game ON! And further more forget Preach My Gospel. . . . this calendar is the future of conversion, Seriously, once the ladies see for themselves how super fly our elders are . . . . .by golly I bet we couldn't keep em' out of the Baptismal fount! Why didn't we think of this sooner!!!?

The only problem is, now I bet people think you get the big X if you take pictures of guys with their shirts off! File that next to the one about us having horns, and worshiping seagulls!

You don't for the record! If you Google Chad Hardy's you'll find out there's more to the story!

2.Julianne Hough -Professional Dancer on Dancing with the Stars

Shade Clothing, Mod Bod, DownEast Outfitters, and Beautifully Modest all companies dedicated to providing modest clothing for every LDS girl just trying to look cute and trendy without becoming walking pornography . . . . . .

But this little lady threw all that out the door for the sake of dance and donned some pretty racy outfits along with some pretty skanky moves and made everyone wonder is this girl really Mormon? And made us all re-think the slogan "Modest is Hottest"! Sorry BYU-Idaho guess your gonna have to think of something different!

3.Todd Herzog, Winner of Survivor China-

Straight out the gate (no pun intended) this guy was labeled the "Gay Mormon", first episode I saw there he was with his name at the bottom of the screen and the label previously mentioned underneath in all it's glory! They couldn't have just said he was a flight attendant, I'm sure everyone would have figured out eventually his orientation, people usually do. . . .and how come you never see any "Gay Catholics" or "Gay Jews" or "Gay 7th Day Adventists" How come that never happens?. . . . it's always "Gay Mormon's" how silly! Like where the only Christian religion that isn't tolerant of Homosexuality!

4. Donnie Osmound Teen Idol and PBS Special Extrodanierre!-

"Nay Speak No Ill" is a hymn not many are familiar with, but listed in it's text is a line I try (but fail mostly) to apply in my life. . . . it goes "For if but little good is known, still let us speak of all the best we can" And of course there's the ever favorite "Let us Oft Speak Kind Words to Each other" this principle is something instilled in Latter Day Saints from Primary on, we all know we must be kind to one another because A) It's What Jesus Would Do, and B) Who are you to judge another? when you walk imperfectly! as "Lord, I will Follow thee" says.

Apparently Donnie Osmond must have forgot this principle when he made the mistake of calling Rosie O'Donnell fat on her very own talk show, this is how I think the scene went. . . Rosie was talking about flying with Donnie in the helicopter to get to one of his performances and then she proceeded to Poo Poo the idea (even though it was a joke anyway) and Donnie chimmed in with an ever charming "Plus the Helicopter couldn't hold that much weight"

Judge for yourself if that's a fat joke or not, but either way I believe this incident left your neighbors wondering. . . . wait I thought Mormons where supposed to be nice?

Don't worry though, Rosie got her revenge! She made Donnie dress up in a Dog costume and serenade her with his famous rendition of "Puppy Love"

All's well that ends well!

5.Julie From the Real World-

This girl has a last name, but all I know her as is this. Never mind that this girl had a religious melt down and questioned her dedication to the Church on national television, I think we all really know Julie best for making BYU look like a Snooty, Unrelenting school full of old people who classify Living with guys in the same category as sleeping with guys, unfortunately she was charged with breaking the honor code and it caused nation wide attention, and a lot of people to have their own religious meltdowns, I'm sure!

but don't think that made her stray she has since been married in the temple, livin' the Mormon dream, you know how we do! It's too bad she had to go through such a rough patch so publicly.

6.Sonia Johnson- American Feminist, Activist, and Writer

I'm not sure exactly how I want to try to fit this lady in, but I think she must be brought up, because she started off as a Mormon house wife proceeded to get some crazy ideas about women's rights, got ex'd, divorced her husband, ran for President, became a lesbian, and wrote a bunch of books! Later in life she went on to adapt this philosophy about sex

"experience and my Wise Old Woman are telling me that sex as we know it is a patriarchal construct and has no rightful, natural place in our lives, no authentic function or ways. Synonymous with hierarchy/control, sex is engineered as part of the siege against our wholeness and power."

Really lady?. . . . .really? has no "rightful" or "natural" place in our lives, huh? Well I don't know how you would even be around if it had no function or natural place!

Yeah. . . . .to bad this lady didn't win the presidency!

Peculiar. . . . am I right?

7.Martha Beck- Life Coach, Columnist, and Author

OK OK this lady is the daughter of Hugh Nibley and for those of you who aren't aware, Hugh Nibley is kind of a big deal he was one of our most famous church Scholars and he wrote lots of books one of which used to be a manual for Sunday School, He knew like 10 different languages, and his daughter Martha was super smart too. Her and him both taught at BYU and she eventually wrote a book about controlling your Compulsive Behaviour, which was geared towards overcoming Homosexuality. And to this day is sold in LDS bookstores.

I think the madness started when she spoke out against BYU for ousting and Xing a bunch of teachers involved in writing and bad mouthing the church. . . . . then you know the formula she gets excommunicated, divorced, turns lesbian (sound Familiar?) Wait. . . didn't she write a book about overcoming that? The only difference with her is she went on to claim that her father sexually abused her and wrote about that as well as her "Falling Out" with the Mormon church in her best selling book "How I Lost the Mormons and Found My Faith" At this point in time after finding all this out I was like how did I not know about this chick? And Now she is a life coach and teaches people how to live a happy, de-stressed life as well as she writes monthly columns in Oprah's O magazine!

Man this ladies story is like a lifetime movie waiting to happen right? I think I should have put this story at the end, because it's by far the craziest one. . . . .would you agree?

8.Benji- Winner of So You Think You Can Dance 2nd Season

Benji was another one of those Mormon Phenomenons on a dance show, and had every Latter Day Saint I know happy and giddy that one of our own was slaying the competition on a reality show! All I heard all the time was "Hey you know that Benji kid. . . . did you know he's Mormon, he even served a mission, isn't that awesome!"

It was no shock he won what with his many adoring teenage girl fans and all was well with the world. . . . . . . .

Then. . . . . .this happened. . . . .

He came back to perform season three and dropped trou and everyone wondered where their good little Mormon boy went!

9. Jeff Archuleta Overbearing Stage Dad That got banned from backstage-

This guy has been terrorizing the backstages of many a talent competition, he started with Star Search but attracted the most attention after he got banned from being backstage on American Idol last season when his son David competed, it's no crime to want your son to be the best, it seems in Jeff's case a little bit of a line was crossed. . . . but that isn't really the issue I want to discuss, does anyone else think His Dad always looked like a scary trucker guy? I mean come on dude. . . . . how did such a finely groomed adorable little boy come from such a scruff monster. . .

We have a strict clean cut rep. to protect! We can't have Mormon's running around looking like Chi-Mo's, you're from Utah. . . . . you should know better!

1. Anyone who calls themselves a "Mormon Fundamentalist"-

Polygamy cults have come and gone but never cease to end up in the news some how and all I have to say to them is. . . . . .

It's your fault that all we ever get made fun of about is having multiple wives. If you guys weren't around that joke would die like the principle we no longer practice here on earth, because it isn't necessary anymore!

Come on people get with the program!

Hey! The Willie- Martin Handcart company called. . . .they want their dresses back!

Their Temple

Our Temple

Close MoFud's. . . . .but no cigar!!!!!

Ah. . . . to think the War in Heaven was waged so people could make the crazy choices they do! Anyway, I know people more readily learn by the example of others, but I hope every once and a while they take into consideration that everyone makes mistakes, nobody is perfect, and you shouldn't judge a church by it's people, but by it's doctrine. Some mistakes are bigger then others and some mistakes are in the eye of the beholder, but nonetheless we are all subject to folly, so let's try a little harder next time, huh? Let's go back to being the Peculiar people God intended us to be!

Peace Out!


DJ and Melissa said...

I loved this post, truly educational. Funny story. A girl I know well from Pullman (not LDS) have me that Men on a Mission calendar for Christmas. I was like, umm, funny, thanks. There's some pretty hot guys in it so if you ever want a look just let me know!

Anonymous said...

Hey Em-
Interesting... Did you see the articles in our very own Herald the past two days? We're right up there next to the Koolaid drinkers apparently. In all reality, I think it's simply a matter of being held to a higher standard, and people held to higher standards always get more negative publicity when they mess up. Yes, please, let's be what we are meant to be....


Jenifer said...

Oh Emily, I loved this post! We are peculiar, aren't we? And in a good way. I was just reading last week about the calendar guy, didn't realize they ex'd him. But really, what did he expect. What does anyone expect when they very publicly do the things they do?

Norm said...

I this girl i worked with was like best friends with Todd Herzog and was way stoked the whole time that was going on.

I also remember watching that episode of Rosie where Donny pulled the infamous helicopter joke.

Susan said...

Emily! That was the BEST! POST! EVER! You said all the things I want to say and more. I get seriously irritated with the media for pointing out that some crazy head is mormon and then the shoot everyone in the mall. But never do we hear about the crazy head Protestant that shoots up the school. It's all good. I was discussing this very thing with the missionaries one day and they told me that it's all good because they get way more questions after some crazy head Mormon does something stupid. I guess the rest of us just get to play along.

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